It’s not you, it’s me

My motto for 2019 is, “It’s not you, it’s me” and I hope that by the time you finish reading this post you’ll understand why.

Have you ever realized how easy it is to point things out that you may not be fond of in other people? But lord isn’t it uncomfortable to look in the mirror and have a real life conversation with yourself about your own shit?

At some point along the way, we become who we are. We drag our metaphorical “bags of shit” along with us thru life. From relationship to relationship. From friendship to friendship. From job to job.

There are things, traits and characteristics that are intrinsic to our being. On the flip side, our experiences also play a major role in who we become. We’re affected by: what we’ve been told, what we’ve told ourselves, what we’ve seen, what we haven’t seen, who we associate with, what we watch on TV, what we listen to on the radio and much more. All of these things (consciously or subconsciously) affect who we end up being.

Question for you: Have you ever met yourself? Have you ever stopped and taken the time to acknowledge how you occur for other people? Have you ever stepped into someone else’s world in an effort to experience what it’s like to interact with you? Whether that’s a significant other, your child(ren), a friend, a co-worker or maybe a stranger in passing. Have you experienced what’s it’s like to be on the receiving end of you?

I recently had an epic conversation with a soul very dear to me. I got present (once again!) to the way I have occurred for her and other people (specifically in personal relationships – i.e. significant other, close friends). I wasn’t a good communicator. As a matter of fact, I was a down right horrific communicator. Somewhere along the way I either picked up some really ugly communication habits or never took the time to acknowledge the need to improve my communication.

During intense personal (and specifically emotional) conversations, I talked more than I listened or I completely shut down. I listened to respond and struggled to remove my feelings from the situation and step into the world of the other person. I was dismissive of other’s feelings and at times couldn’t even articulate how I truly felt. I was painfully defensive if I didn’t like what was being said and at times would completely avoid the elephant in the room versus talking about it.

Communicating with me was probably like trying to brush your teeth while eating an Oreo. You just don’t do it. To take it a step further, imagine those behaviors I was exhibiting and insert someone trying to talk to me about how they were having a hard time communicating with me. Step into their world for a second. This conversation had to be similar to that carnival ride that spins so fast that you get stuck to the wall until you’re almost at the verge of puking. Get me out of this damn thing!!! #TakeMeOutDisShit

Getting to know how I occur for other people has helped me tremendously. I offer this to you, consider taking time to get present with how you occur for other people. It wasn’t a comfortable exercise for me. Hell, I’ve been doing the exercise off and on since 2017 at this point and JUST had the biggest break thru a couple of days ago. One thing to remember is that this isn’t intended to place blame solely on yourself. It’s not intended to place blame anywhere. The goal is self-reflection, accountability and transformation for the moments you’re living in right now!

Getting present to how I occur/occurred for others opened up a lot for ME and has helped me tremendously on my journey of transformation. Being a better listener, hearing and acknowledging the feelings of those I care for, having healthy dialogue, articulating and expressing how I feel in my soul, asking for help when I need it, verbalizing my needs without fear, and being open versus shutting down are just a few things I’ve gained.

This is HUGE for me because in order to achieve what it is I want in this life, effective communication is key. I am the only person I can control. I am accountable for MYSELF and MY actions. So why  not know what it’s like to interact with and be on the receiving end of ME so that I can adjust to remain in alignment with who I desire to be?

So….are you ready to be accountable by saying “it’s not you, it’s me”? Are you ready to meet you?

5 thoughts on “It’s not you, it’s me

    • Hey Tanesha! The biggest jump start for me was attending the Landmark Forum. Had all sorts of breakthru moments and realizations. One exercise you can start with is identifying where you may feel there is “discomfort/irritation/agitation” in any of your relationships. From there, write out or “talk out loud” thru some of the difficult or frustrating times that you can recall. Look at the YOUR: actions, verbiage, patterns, thoughts, etc. in those situations versus those of the other person. Try to identify YOUR role and YOUR actions alone versus correlating them to the role/actions of the other person. Notice if you see patterns. Regardless of the actions of the other person, sit with the situation from their shoes to try and see how you occurred to them.

      Disclaimer: I struggled with this really badly b/c I kept going in circle and trying to rationalize my thoughts/actions/behaviors based on the thoughts/behaviors/actions of the other person. I kept feeling like this “look in the mirror” exercise was in some way shape or form saying that what the other person may have done was okay. That is NOT what this exercise is intended to do. It’s not to justify actions of the other person (for example, let’s say you were cursed at, physically hurt, etc.). This exercise is not to justify or say the other person’s actions were okay. It’s an exercise that’s all about YOU. Usually in the hardest of times our truest self will be present.

      I hope this helps! Walk on over if you want me to be your buddy during some exercises. It gets deep but it’s so worth it! I offer you a safe space to talk thru things.

  1. This was so on point! Meeting “me” has been a very interesting experience and extremely uncomfortable at times. Although it’s not easy, it’s absolutely necessary if i want to have the type of communication i desire.

    I needed this today- thank you for being so authentic!

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