This past week has been one of the most epic weeks of my life. Literally. I had an amazing birthday surrounded by people I love. My face and soul have been smiling nonstop. Pre-birthday celebration. Bee-day celebrations. Birthday meditation and sound therapy. Birthday energy healing. Birthday coffee. Birthday pedi and movie yesterday. Birthday happy hour tonight. I am loving celebrating, nurturing and loving ME.
Last year this time I had convinced myself that my life wasn’t worth living. Literally. I was in a severe depression. I didn’t like or love myself for a very long time. Contrary to the belief of some, I blamed myself for my faults/failures as well as the mistakes/choices/short comings of others. I allowed situations to happen TO me versus realizing they were happening FOR me.
I had a real life conversation with myself a few weeks ago. It was time for me to shit or get off the pot. The metaphorical pot of feeling sorry for myself. Time for me to stop being a bag lady. Time to stop carrying my bucket of crap around that I’ve carried not just since last year or a few years prior, but for a loooooong time. Time for me to stop blaming myself for other people’s shit. Time for me to stop falling back into the cycle of looking for happiness in the same places I lost it. Time to stop giving a shit what other people thought about me and start giving a shit about what I think of me. Time to stop looking for what what I need in other people. Time to stop allowing my healing to be contingent on “answers” (or lies) of others. Time to stop spending minutes, hours, days attempting to explain who I am or convince people that I’m not a bad person.
My Bae Kehlani 🙂 says it best “they sleeping, they sleeping, they sleeping on me. But I don’t waste my time tryna prove that I’m something to see. The real ones they know and the ones that do not I don’t need”. Not only do I just love her….but I love these lyrics!!!! Music has a way of communicating things that I’m unable to at times.
Listen people, don’t take it personal. If I choose not to entertain you, it’s not you it’s me 😉 2018 is the year of No Bullshit. With that being said, I have to focus on things that make sense for me…not what makes sense for anyone else.
A year ago, nine months ago, one month ago…hell two Thursdays ago it drove me bananas when I’d hear people say “it takes time”…”be patient”. If you know me, you know that’s not really one of my party tricks 🙂 I continued to rush the process and not stop to realize that the journey was on purpose. It’s still hard to say. But dammit I’m convinced that all this rain has set me up and is setting me up for the most epic rainbow.
Stay tuned 🙂